Do it daily, perhaps as you sit down to breakfast. At first it will
seem artificial--hokey, even. In time you'll evolve your own style.
Couples routinely report it is invaluable for staying close--even it they
let it slide for a day or two when they get busy. It teaches partners how
to listen non-defensively and to talk as a way to give information
arather than to stir a reaction. Here are the basics:
Sit close, perhaps even knee-to-knee, facing your partner, holding
each other's hands. This simple touching creates an atmosphere of
acceptance for both.
1. APPRECIATION. Take turns expressing appreciation for something
your partner has done--and thanking each other.
2. NEW INFORMATION. In the absence of information,
assumptions--often false ones--rush in. Tell your partner something ("I'm
not looking forward to the monthly planning meeting this morning") to
keep contact alive and let your partner in on your mood, your
experiences--your life. And then listen to your partner.
3. PUZZLES. Take turns asking each other something you don't
understand and your partner can explain: "Why were you so down last
night?" Or voice a question about yourself: "I don't know why I got so
angry while we were figuring out expenses." You might not find answers,
but you will be giving your partner some insight about yourself. Besides,
your partner may have insights about your experiences.
4. COMPLAINT WITH REQUEST FOR CHANGE. Without placing blame or
being judgemental, cite a specific behavior that bothers you and state
the behavior you are asking for instead. "If you're going to be late for
dinner, please call me. That way the kids and I can make our own plans
and won't be waiting for you."
5. HOPES. Sharing hopes and dreams is integral to a relationship.
Hopes can range from the mundane ("I hope you don't have to work this
weekend") to the grandiose ("I'd really love to spend a month in Europe
with you"). But the more the two of you bring dreams into immediate
awareness, the more likely you'll find a way to realize them.
BONDING EXERCISE
Most people put a lid on the hurts or fears of the past: "It
doesn't bother me anymore"; "It isn't that important." But I find that it
is essential to lift that lid--in the context of the current
relationship--to close the revolving ledger.
o Choose a time when you are feeling somewhat edgy.
o Put on some soft music in the background.
o Lie down with your partner. Lie on your sides cradled into each
other, both facing the same direction.
While your partner is holding you, quietly reveal something he or
she does that triggers a full-blown intense emotional reaction in you. It
might be that she doesn't listen to you. Or he interrupts you constantly.
Or doesn't call when he's away. Or rejects whatever you suggest. "When
you do this, I am very upset." As you are speaking, your partner is
holding you and listening.
Now tell your partner what experience out of your history your
reaction connects to. Perhaps his not calling infuriates you because it
arouses the fear you felt when a parent left or died. Or your first
husband walked out.
Now comes the remarkable part. Tell your partner what you would
have needed to happen in your history that would have helped. What
actions would you have preferred to have happened? What words would you
have needed to hear?
Now let your partner tell you what you needed to hear, while you
take it in. Your partner is free to say it in his or her own way: "I'm
sorry that happened to you"; "I wish I had been there."
And now discuss the price you are paying in your current
relationship for having this emotional reaction to events of the past.
Perhaps it is that you don't talk to your partner, you withdraw,
withhold, get even.
What you talk about next is what you can then do to help yourself.
"How can I signal you neutrally to let you know when you trigger this
response in me."
At this point you are talking about what will help you in the
future. You are jointly and consciously outlining useful behaviors,
constructing a relationship in which actions and experiences have the
same meaning and same effect for both of you. This is essential for
happiness to occur in a relationship.
PLAYING DEAD
Rarely in long-term relationships do we talk about what we
appreciate in our partner. Yet it is not possible to sustain a
pleasurable relationship without that. I have found that most couples
need to rediscover what it is they value in each other.
I have developed an exercise that can quickly restore a sense of
priorities, of what is important in life and in a relationship. Don't be
misled by its simplicity. I ask a couple to talk about what they never
talk about together--death and loss. This usually turns out to be an
experience with a dramatic--literally and figuratively--emotional
impact.
Choose a quiet time and a quiet place when there are no immediate
pressures on you or your partner. Plan ahead to set aside the time. Allow
about an hour.
Lie down on the floor, eyes closed, arms crossed or at your side,
as if you were dead. Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax,
but remain still.
Your partner now gets to imagine that you are gone, and talk to you
as if you were. Your partner must speak about what he or she will miss
about you, any regret, etc. Give him or her time to get into the
experience. All you do is lie still and listen. Then switch places, while
you speak about what you will miss.
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