Expressing your feelings about a given situation and asking for
your partner's honesty in return is the most significant way to discover
truth in your relationship. Instead, most communication between intimates
is nonverbal and leans heavily on mind reading. The only thing you have
to go on is your own internal information, which could easily be skewed
by any number of factors. This is also why genuine responses are so
important. Telling your partner what you think he or she wants to hear,
instead of what is really going on, complicates and postpones a useful
solution to the problem.
Confiding is much more than being able to reveal yourself to
another. It is knowing with absolute certainty that what you think and
feel is being heard and understood by your partner. Instead, we tend to
be passive listeners, picking up only those messages that have a direct
bearing on ourselves, rather than listening for how things are for our
partner.
Listening with empathy is a learned skill. It has two crucial
ingredients: undivided attention and feeling what your partner feels.
Never assume that you know something unless it is clearly stated by your
partner. And you need to understand fully what your partner's thoughts
and feelings mean to him or her. Instead of focusing on the effects of
your partner's words on you, pay attention instead to your partner's
emotions, facial expression, and levels of tension. The single biggest
barrier to such empathic listening is our self-interest and
self-protective mechanisms. We anticipate and fill in the blanks. One of
the simple truths of relationships is that often enough, all we need to
do to resolve a problem is to listen to our partner--not just passively
listen but truly hear what is in the mind and in the heart.
What more often happens is that, when we experience threats to our
self-esteem or feel stressed, we resort to styles of communication that
usually lead to more of a problem than the problem itself. The styles of
communication that we resort to during stress then often prevent real
contact from happening. If your partner tends to be a blamer, you will
distance yourself. You develop a rational style of relating, but no
feelings are ever dealt with. Not only is no love experienced, but at the
emotional level nothing can get resolved.
Most people tend to react to stress with one or more of four
communication styles:
o PLACATING. The placater is ingratiating, eager to please,
apologetic, and a "yes" man or woman. The placater says things like
"whatever you want" or "never mind about me, it's okay." It's a case of
peace at any price. The price, for the placater is worthlessness. Because
the placater has difficulty expressing anger and holds so many feelings
inside, he or she tends toward depression and, as studies show, may be
prone to illness. Placaters need to know it is okay to express
anger.
o BLAMING. The blamer is a fault-finder who criticizes relentlessly
and speaks in generalizations: "You never do anything right." "You're
just like your mother/father." Inside, the blamer feels unworthy or
unlovable, angry at the anticipation he or she will not be getting what
is wanted. Given a problem, the best defense is a good offense. The
blamer is unable to deal with or express pain or fear. Blamers need to be
able to speak on their own behalf without indicting others in the
process.
o COMPUTING. The computer is super reasonable, calm and collected,
never admits mistakes, and expects people to conform and perform. The
computer says things like, "Upset? I'm not upset. Why do you say I'm
upset?" Afraid of emotion, he or she prefers facts and statistics. "I
don't reveal my emotions and I'm not interested in anyone else's."
Computers need someone to ask how they feel about specific things.
o DISTRACTING. The distractor resorts to irrelevancies under
stress, avoids direct eye contact and direct answers. Quick to change the
subject, he or she will say, "What problem? Let's have Sam and Bridget
over." Confronting the problem might lead to a fight, which could be
dangerous. Distractors need to know that they are safe, not helpless,
that problems can be solved and conflicts resolved.
Each style is a unique response to pain, anger, or fear, which
keeps us from understanding each other. Knowing that, the next time you
find yourself resorting to blame, you can conclude there is something
painful or scary bothering you and try to figure out what it is. If it's
your partner who is blaming, you can conclude he or she is possibly not
intending to be aggressive or mean but probably afraid of some
development. What's needed is to find a way to make it safe to talk about
the worry; find out what is bothering him or her.
How, then, can you say what is bothering you, or express what you
really need, in a way that your partner can hear it, so that your message
can be understood? This is a basic step in building the relationship you
want. For this, the Daily Temperature Reading is particularly
helpful.
After partners have been heard and understood, they may need to
work on forgiveness. Of course, some things are unforgivable, and each
partner has to decide if that line has been crossed and the relationship
is worth continuing. If it is, there has to be a recognition that you
can't change the past. No relationship can recover from past
disappointments and mature unless both partners can find a way to let go
of grudges. This is one of the most important relationship skills couples
can develop.
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