To add insult to injury, when one partner is upset, the other often
compounds it unintentionally. When, for example, a woman is unhappy, men
often feel they are expected to charge out and fix something. But what
she really wants is for her partner to put his arms around her and hold
her, to soothe her, to say simply, "I'm sorry you feel bad." It is a
simple and basic longing. But instead of moving toward her, he moves
away. And if when you are upset you don't get what you want from the
person you are closest to, then you are not going to feel loved. Men,
too, I hasten to say, have the same basic need. But they erect defenses
against it for fear it will return them to a state of helplessness such
as they experienced as children.
At the heart of intimacy, then, is empathy, understanding, and
compassion; these are the humanizing feelings. It is bad enough that they
are in short supply among distressed couples. Yet I have observed that
certain careers pose substantial roadblocks to intimacy because the
training involves education not in humanization but in de-humanization.
At the top of the list is law. Built primarily on the adversarial
process, it actively discourages understanding and compassion in favor of
destroying an opponent. Careers in the military and in engineering also
are dismissive of feelings and emotions. Men and women who bring what
they learn from such work into a love relationship may find that it can't
survive.
An understanding of intimacy has its own logic. But it runs counter
to conventional wisdom and most brands of psychology. They hold that to
understand the nature of, and to improve, relationships, the proper place
to start is the self. The thinking is that you need to understand
yourself before you can confide in a partner. But I have found just the
opposite to be true.
An exploration of the self is indeed absolutely essential to
attaining or rebuilding a sense of intimacy. Most of the disappointments
that drive our actions and reactions in relationships are constructed
with expectations that are not only hidden from our partners but also
ourselves. From our families of origin and past relationship experiences,
we acquire systems of belief that direct our behavior outside of our own
awareness. It is not possible to change a relationship without bringing
this belief system into our awareness.
But a man or a woman exploring their personal history experiences
some powerful feelings that, in the absence of a partner to talk to, may
make one feel worse rather than better. So the very first step a couple
must take to rebuild intimacy is to learn to express their own thoughts
and feelings and carefully listen to each other. A partner who knows how
to listen to you can then be on hand when you open up your past.
Exploration of the self is an activity often relegated to
psychotherapy; in that case a psychotherapist knows how to listen with
empathy. But that is not necessarily the only way and at best is a luxury
affordable only by a few. It is not only possible but desirable for
couples of all economic strata to choose to confide in each other and
build a relationship with a life partner rather than with a paid
confidant. Both partners have an ongoing need to open up the past as well
as share the present. But there are skills that have to be learned so
that such interaction can be safe. Both partners need to learn how to
listen without judging or giving unwanted advice. Disappointment in a
partner's ability to hear is what often sends people to a psychotherapist
in the first place.
All of us bring to our intimate relationships certain expectations
that we have of no one else. On the positive side they usually involve
undivided attention--words and gestures of love and caring, loyalty,
constancy, sex, companionship, agreement, encouragement, friendship,
fidelity, honesty, trust, respect, and acceptance. We are all too alert
to the possibility that we will instead find their exact
opposites.
If we are not aware of our own expectations (and how they are
affected by our history), there is no hope of expressing them to a
partner so that he or she has a shot at meeting them. More often than
not, we engage instead in mind reading.
Mind reading is often related to a past disappointing relationship
experience. We tend to expect what we previously had the opportunity to
learn; we make assumptions based on our history. And when in personal
history there are people or situations that were the source of heartache,
resentment, or anxiety, then any action by a partner in the present that
is similar in some way often serves as a reminder--and triggers an
intense emotional reaction. I call this "emotional allergy." As with
other forms of prior sensitization, the result tends to be an explosive
reaction--withdrawal, counterattack--and it is typically incomprehensible
to a current partner.
If I had to summarize how to change the hidden expectations that
work to distort a relationship, I would boil it all down to a few basic
rules:
o If you expect a partner to understand what you need, then you
have to tell him or her. That of course means you have to figure out for
yourself what you really need.
o You cannot expect your partner to be sensitive and understand
exactly how you feel about something unless you're able to communicate to
him or her how you feel in the first place.
o If you don't understand or like what your partner is doing, ask
about it and why he or she is doing it. And vice versa. Explore. Talk.
Don't assume.
Tags:
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confusion,
cults,
intimacy,
intimate relationships,
ironies,
larger community,
love,
many generations,
marriage,
physical closeness,
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