And you think you've got it bad

Both the rejector and the rejected sufferwhen a relationship ends.

By PT Staff, published on September 01, 1993 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

Who among us, at one time or another, has not loved in vain? Wasted emotions, spent energy, that empty feeling that comes from knowing your feelings went down a one-way street.

While the spurned lover has long been championed by poets and pop songwriters, the plight of the heartbreaker has gone singularly unheralded. Conventional wisdom views the rejector as cold and heartless, with no regard for anyone else's feelings.

But it looks as if the long-maligned rejectors suffer some heartache all their own. Having to reject unwanted romance is really a very distressing experience, find psychologist Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., and colleagues at Case Western Reserve University.

In fact, rejectors have more negative emotions about the failed relationship than do those that they reject. Add to that a load of guilt feelings and a strong sense of self-blame for allowing the other to become embroiled in a futile love affair.

Many would consider it an enviable position, having others offer love, says Baumeister, "But in fact it turns out to be a difficult and upsetting position."

The researchers asked nearly 150 college students for written descriptions of a recent experience in which they either rejected an unwanted romance or were themselves rejected.

Aside from the guilt and self-blame, rejectors also felt annoyance by the would-be lover's attentions. Still, many rejectors reported a boost in self-esteem. "When someone thinks you're hot," explains Baumeister, "you usually interpret it as flattery."

The study, reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 64, No. 3), spotlights the sometimes strikingly different views that two people can hold of the same relationship. Rejectors felt they clearly signaled that they were not interested in romance. But partners insisted they got no such indication, though they often felt left in the dark about the rejector's feelings parties felt the other was mysterious or simply incomprehensible.

The ambiguity that typifies one-sided romances stems from the so-called mum effect--a general unwillingness to transmit bad news to another person. "Telling admirers that their love is hopeless and unwanted, and furthermore telling them why one finds them unlovable, would most likely be very difficult," says Baumeister.

He sees rejectors as unwilling villains. "They have to hurt someone," says the psychologist, "and they don't really want to do it."