At first, the promise of the Expansive Stage and the fears of the
Stage of Contraction remain relatively separate; but with each turn of
the cycle, they become more integrated. Each revolution brings new
information into the couple's domain. One partner's terrible and
characteristic rages, for example, which show up in other domains, may
suddenly emerge in the relationship after years of life together, and
eventually become acknowledged and worked into their ways of being
together. So, too, with many positive traits, such as capacities that
emerge only in response to dangerous situations, such as courage in the
face of danger.
For those couples who survive many turnings of the cycle, the Stage
of Resolution tends to broaden in content and lengthen in time. Couples
spend more and more time in it, and its qualities of tolerance and
accommodation increasingly come to define their character.
The character of couples is shaped as much by the rhythm of the
cycles as by the content of their stages. In this, couples vary greatly.
Some couples, for example, move through wild swings: everything's great,
then everything's awful; then there is a brief moment of reconciliation,
after which everything's better (or worse) than ever. For others, the
stages pass more subtly and their cycles are relatively smooth. Some
couples move slowly out of one stage into another; others seem to cycle
all the time.
Every couple has a Home Base, a stage in which they generally
reside. This habitual stage represents both its public persona and its
evolved self-image, but not its full character. Those who reside in
contraction, for instance, think of themselves as conflicted and
troubled, even though they have moments in expansion and resolution. Once
a couple has settled into a stage as its Home Base, its cycles will tend
to begin and end there. The couple in contraction might climb out through
one compromise or another, relax momentarily in resolution, which feels
good enough to revive some old romantic feelings reminiscent of
expansion. But with its first minor disappointment, fall back to their
familiar Home Base in contraction.
After the first few cycles, the stages in each couple's repertoire
become more like different states of being. The couple can enter them,
know them as familiar, and then move on. In this sense the stages become
a relatively constant, autonomous reality in the relationship.
But it is a couple's first turn through the cycle that imparts a
distinctive style that Will tend to endure. We develop our characteristic
ways of loving and being loved, of being warm and affectionate, in our
first time through expansion. Subsequent expansive moments will usually
bring back the memory and flavor of these patterns. Similarly, the fights
we had in our first cycle usually recur over and over again through our
relationship. No new fight seems all that new, but looks like a variation
on the old one. Later, in our first passage through resolution, we
develop our characteristic ways of solving problems our distinctive ways
of talking, negotiating, tolerating, and accepting.
CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION
The character of couples is forged through regular cycles of
conflict and resolution. Conflict is not an aberration that can be
ignored or cured; it is inherent in couples' lives. It stems from real
dilemmas that couples must acknowledge and resolve. In relationships,
conflict often appears as a choice: individual versus collective good;
women's rights versus male entitlement; one partner's style of upbringing
versus the other's.
As they continue to cycle, couples struggle for a perspective that
can embrace both the good and the bad and help them move ahead. But the
perspectives they reach, and the solutions they attain, are always
partial: they resolve enough so they can move on, but they rarely resolve
disputes completely. Core conflicts hang around, serving as sources of
new antagonisms.
Just as we feel we have resolved a conflict about sex, money, or
children, our solution unravels or another problem appears. Partners need
to negotiate everything, from how to structure child care to how and when
to make love-and who should initiate it. Couples will be frustrated if
they expect to solve their conflicts once and for all. But if they learn
to recognize their cycles of conflict and resolution and adapt to them,
they may survive the hard times, grow together, and thrive.
TURNING POINTS AND TRANSFORMATIONS
At some point, almost all couples find themselves in a profoundly
disturbing and immovable impasse. No matter what they do, they cannot
escape; there are no more areas of conversation to open up, no more
strategies to try, no more activities to limit. They feel totally stuck.
Many couples separate at this point. Many others, perhaps only through
inertia or devotion to children or to the idea of marriage, stay
together. Most couples simply endure, emerging diminished but essentially
unchanged after their ordeal.
But some couples are transformed by these terrifying crises.
Instead of simply enduring, the partners manage to give up their blaming
and bitterness but remain in the relationship. They realize they cannot
get what they want by demanding, by manipulating, or even by negotiating.
In despair and exhaustion, they finally stop trying to change their
partner, and stop trying to make themselves over as well. Giving up this
fight has a paradoxical effect: for a moment, the partners may experience
one another in a new, fresh, and undefined way.
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