Our culture asks so much of couple relationships-romance and
passion, partnership, friendship, and nurturance-that disappointment is
inevitable. The expansive promise of new beginnings often comes to seem
like a youthful illusion at best, a cruel hoax at worst. The implicit
contracts make with each other--which are based more on potential than on
past performance--come tumbling down. Partners break promises;
individuals break their own resolutions. Husbands and wives are forever
noting, "This is not the person I thought I had married" and "If I had
known then what I know today, I never would have married her." These
statements are not simply sour grapes or the distorted complaints of
dissatisfied individuals. They reflect the truth of broken
promises.
CONTRADICTIONS
This is a revolutionary time in male and female relationships and
therefore in the lives of couples. In times of change, contradictions
sharpen. This process marks the lives of contemporary couples, making
both partners tense and excited. We can point out three basic conflicts
with which couples today must cope.
1. The clash between great expectations and limited
resources.
According to our cultural narrative, the romantically engaged
couple is an answer for everything. We want more from our partners, but
we're less and less able to give of ourselves. Our partners must be
passionate lovers as well as loyal confidantes, willing to join us
intensely when we want, but leaving us alone when we need "private
space." We ask for romance in our quiet moments, but want a sturdy
partner to help raise children, maintain a household, and coordinate
schedules. These activities interfere with one another, and our
expectations don't mix.
The couple is supposed to be a stable haven in a cool, hostile,
unpredictable world. In the past, women had the role of maintaining
domestic relationships, but now that two incomes are required to get by,
more and more couples are made up of two working partners. Many couples,
even those without children, return home each day exhausted. No one
stands at the threshold to welcome them and soothe their return.
At the same time, couples are more than ever isolated from the
resources that used to sustain them, such as extended families and
communities. We all have friends, but fewer of us live close to our
families. Who can we depend on, no questions asked, to take care of the
kids when we are in a pinch? Who will support us and offer us wisdom
through the hard times? Most couples are jammed for time, for emotional
energy, and for patience. "I just need a minute to myself" has become our
modern litany. Our partner's company sometimes drains us more than it
enhances us. We probably do more for one another these days, but we
expect so much that we're still often disappointed.
2. The clash between the individual and the couple.
We always marvel at those selfless individuals who place others'
needs and comforts first. in an age such as ours, individual pleasures,
development, and fulfillment often come first. The contemporary concern
with self intensifies the basic tension between our allegiance to the
relationship and allegiance to ourselves.
In couple relationships this tension is often polarized by gender:
women have tended to stand for the relationship, connection, and mutual
dependence; men for individualism and independence. Such polarization,
where it exists, exaggerates and distorts and leads to dramatic
confrontations such as those in which women feel abandoned while men feel
controlled. This is probably the most common dilemma presented to couple
therapists today, and can be seen as the archetypal struggle of the
modern couple.
But there is a growing trend to dissolve this simple division by
gender. Women are also concerned with their own development, with being
independent, respected partners, capable of pursuing their goals outside
of the relationship. The question then arises: just who in the couple is
committed to the relationship?
In other eras, romantic love centered on the partner. "What can I
do to win you?" was a burning question. These days we look for partners
who can bring out the best in ourselves. "What can you do for me?" we
ask. The ideal partner today is a cross between a psychotherapist and a
good parent. Even generosity, we are told, proceeds best from
self-fulfillment: only if we feel good about ourselves will we be good to
our partners. But when we feel bad about ourselves, and our partners are
not filling our needs, we may soon lose our commitment to the
relationship. We and our partner then become two islands in an unfriendly
sea.
3. The clash between staying together and splitting up, marriage
and divorce. Many relationships last a short time. We discard our
partners-or they discard us-and we move on. Even longer relationships
have a way of fizzling out after a year or so: they just don't seem right
any more; nasty arguments turn us sour; our involvement fades away. Even
those relationships that lead to marriage have trouble holding fast. And
yet we keep starting relationships again, hoping each time we'll find the
right partner at least take a more realistic attitude towards
them.
We seem less angry, less disillusioned with relationships than with
ourselves or our current partner. As difficulties in a relationship
mount, we often persist because we have so much "invested" in it; but
eventually we wonder if it makes sense to put any more into such a losing
relationship.
Tags:
absence,
acknowledged leader,
commitment,
cultural understanding,
culture,
defiance,
domestic matters,
dynamic patterns,
gender,
hard time,
heartless world,
intimate relationships,
man and a woman,
marriage,
men and women,
partnership,
recurring cycles,
relationship,
sexes,
vitality
