IV Drug Abuse: Inside the Clinic

"The introduction of AIDS into the community made secret drug use even more deadly than it was previously. We try to convince newcomers that it is imperative to be tested, not only for them but for their partners. Additionally, we encourage all to discuss their HIV status within the group. Of course, this means breaking the powerful silence and ignorance which has ruled many of their lives. It comes slowly."

"AZT scares the hell out of me," said a man in his late twenties sitting off to the side. "Between the methadone to kick the heroin habit and AZT, life's a joke. I can't hardly gather the strength to get up in the morning. I can't taste my food, or smell, and my body hurts so much that I just want to forget the whole damn thing and give it up."

Many in the group looked up from the floor at the mention of this and nodded in agreement. "I mean, how sick do you have to be to get well?"

"I've been medicating myself since I was thirteen," interrupted Helen, an ageless woman with powerful shoulders that poked from her sweater. "I made more mistakes than I was due. Now I've got AIDS and I'm gonna die. Why should I go on medicating myself with AZT until it's all over. I'm no addict anymore. To me, drugs are just another way of keeping me quiet. Always have been. I don't want those last few years if I just go on sleeping for fourteen hours a day and feelin' like sleeping for the other ten."

"I can't sit here and tell you that AZT will be your miracle drug," said Dr. Scimeca. "One of the things you've got to face is that this medicine is a matter of risks and benefits. AZT helps to stave off the infection, but it has some nasty side effects. You have to decide what is going to help the most. No one's going to make you take it, and in some instances, it only helps to a marginal extent. But without it, I know the chances of you just ... deteriorating are considerably better. It's a matter of weighing your fears as much as anything else."

"Fears! HIV is the only thing that ever scared me in my whole life," said Jane. "I never have found a way to deal with it. I've been toughing it out with men my whole life. Ain't none of them ever scared me. My father, my husband ... they were burning up with anger their whole lives. They beat me, twisted me around, and then they just died. But they were simple. I knew how to beat 'em. AIDS is a woman to me. It's trying to fight something inside. Where do I start?"

"Jane, how long have you been straight?" asked Dr. Ram.

"Fourteen years."

"How many people do you know who were addicts fourteen years ago are alive today? Not a whole lot I'd imagine. By accomplishing that, you are a success story. You already have resources to fight."

"There are some things that you can't fight against, though," offered a man sitting near the doorway. "I'm an ex-police officer, ex-drug addict, and ex-con. Like everyone else here, I've done wrong to myself and my family. I've seen drug issues from all perspectives, and after I got clean, I thought I could make a difference as a drug counselor at school. When I began speaking to kids, I started to feel important for the first time in my life, as if all the shit I'd gone through meant something. But I was let go a couple of weeks after my boss found out about me being positive. Now here I am. I may not even be sick for ten years but I can't get a job. I'm branded as something that no one can even get close to, much less give a job to."

"It's true", said Mary. "Friends I'd had for ten years just about left town when they found out. And I can see now what they were thinking. I mean, my God, what with HIV, tuberculosis and everything else, it's a wonder people open the door in the mornin'."

"But Mary, you're talking about HIV as if you can give it to someone at work if you look at them funny," said Earnest. "I got it from sticking needles in my arms, and no one who ain't an addict has to sweat over catchin' it that way. To me, AIDS is just another reason for prejudice. That's all. It doesn't matter if you've been off drugs thirty years. To the world, you're still a junkie. And if you have HIV, no matter how or why, you're just a germ and that's reason enough to hate you."