When I visited an upscale strip bar in New York, in which
thirtynothing men provide the overwhelming percentage of the clientele, I
discovered there are harmless, if extremely bland, ways to find some fun
without breaking the marital vows. I talked to Kevin, an attorney with a
small firm, who is about 35 years old and happily married. His wife knows
he goes to strip joints after work: "She thinks it's a boys' thing. For
me, it's a relaxing way to have a beer, and the girls are cute as hell.
She knows we guys need some entertainment every now and then. Even if I
could, I wouldn't touch' em."
The clubs exist on the premise that nothing illicit happens there.
Hence, the very '90s concept of "lap-dancing," wherein a stripper sits in
a man's lap and shakes her breasts in his face, while he enjoys the
gyrations without touching. Yet while the implant-enhanced women appeared
quite bizarre and borderline attractive, the bigger and more unnatural
the breasts appeared, the louder the men shout and yahoo.
Ladies Start Your Engines
The biggest difference in sexual practices between the twenties and
thirties lies in the behavior of the women, not the men. Partly, I
believe this is the result of the sexual revolution that made it
completely acceptable for women to pursue their own desires.
The thirties is the decade when the office becomes a major
component in the fives of most women and men these days, especially if
they are married. Often the marriage itself becomes a threesome: husband,
wife, office. Of course, the office has always provided a wealth of
secret opportunities for men, hence that very thirtynothing alibi for
infidelity - "working late at the office." Ironically, many men and women
(who would never truly be unfaithful) become "married to the office"
(another thirtynothing cliche), because they have no great desire to
return home to their spouses.
The change in the '90s is not that sex is happening in the office,
but that nowadays it is women in positions of power who are acting as the
predators. This is the first decade where there are scores of women in
the top echelons of most companies. Like men, the women begin to reach
senior positions in their thirties, offering plenty of opportunities for
a new sexual formula. (How long before a man brings a case of sexual
harassment against his female boss?)
Geoff is a 27-year-old associate in a big Wall Street law firm. His
boss, Kim, is a tall, forbidding 35-year-old, a cruel taskmaster engaged
to a partner in his forties. Geoff always enjoyed following her along the
corridors in her tight-fitting, short-skirted business suits, but was
terrified of her too.
Geoff: "At the party the senior associates give for the first
years, we went dancing and she didn't dance with anyone except me. I
barely dared speak because she's the terror of the firm. Finally, she
just says, 'Let's go somewhere else!' So we go to another club and dance
until we're sweaty and drunk. Then she pulls me over and says, 'Kiss me.'
So I'm wondering if she's gonna fire me if I try to go any further. I
decide it's better not to so she makes every move. She makes me take her
home. She gives all the orders. We make love for hours. She says she has
to be hard at work because she's determined to be a partner and a woman
has to be that much better than a man to make it. But, she joshes, I am
her reward, her prerogative. Next day, she says hello with a nice smile,
but it's all business. We never mentioned it again."
Shelly, 38, is a fit, long-legged real estate broker with an
eternal tan who loves her husband and children. She relays a common
frustration among women: "I can't believe how long I spent being a little
lady, waiting for guys to hit on me, never doing a thing until we'd had
at least four dates. I was like that until I turned 30 and thought, why
shouldn't I live like men always live? It takes you until you're thirtish
to be free about what you want."
But there is a balance between the sudden celebration of sexual
jubilation of the Kims and the Shellys of this world and the miserable,
lonely feeling of creeping age coupled with a culture that so elevates
every part of young erotic energy. The books of Madonna, the videos on
MTV, the photos of Cindy Crawford and models in Vogue and on television
have all taken their toll.
Cornelia, 39, talked to me the week her divorce from her husband,
Harry, came through about what she calls "the erotic dictatorship.' She
learned suddenly that he had a young girlfriend and was leaving her for
this nubile: "My nightmare rival came to life in the young girls in
"Beverly Hills 90210" I was jealous of her. I knew she was 25 and I just
felt and still feel so inadequate, so...old. It's so unfair. How can I
compete? I hate all these videos. They make watching television
agony."
Tick...Tick...Tick...
The other difficult part of the thirtynothing experience is finding
out who you really are before it is too late. Again, everyone I spoke to
mentioned a sense of time ticking. Just as the women I've quoted
discovered their true sexual calling, so Julia recently discovered her
husband's calling was towards his own sex.
Tags:
1980s,
aging,
aging baby boomers,
dating,
dual process persuasion,
forties,
gender,
HPA pathway,
limbo,
limelight,
message framing,
non sequitur,
nudge,
reactions,
reruns,
saccadic,
sex,
sexes,
simon sebag montefiore,
special correspondent,
thirties,
thirtysomething,
trenches,
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