Sex and Marriage The majority of people in their thirties are
married or have been married, but since divorce is more common than ever
before, there are more single thirtynothings today than ever before. Many
of the married couples I spoke to have fantastic sex lives - even if none
of them have sex as much as they did when they were single - and are
blissfully happy. Amongst married couples, the biggest lie I found,
passed man to man and woman to woman, is that they are all having lots of
sex. Several married couples admitted that they imply to their friends
that they have far more sex than they actually do.
Brent and Lisa, both 31, have been married for four years, have a
daughter, and live in Detroit. He works in the auto industry and she
works in hotels. Brent: "When you're married, there's no pressure to do
it when you don't want to or are tired. We have great fun when we do.
When I go out, sure, I look, but it's great not having to chase girls
anymore."
Lisa: "When we were living together, we had sex every night. Now it
varies, but usually it's a treat on Sunday, once a week. We know each
other so well it's always great. I don't lie to my friends about it, but
I do sort of imply that we do it a bit more than we do. I don't know why,
because we're probably all lying to one another.
The big question is: Can a marriage be truly happy without
sex?
Stephanie, a 34-year-old public-relations powerhouse who is itching
to get married (the guys always seem to run away), sees boring sex as the
price of happy marriage: "If I'm going out with a guy, I won't stand for
bad sex. If the guy needs guidance, it's curtains. The only circumstance
in which I'd put up with bad sex is in a relationship that'll end in
marriage. If I was married, I'd get used to bad sex."
Pat, who married at 23 and is still happily married 10 years later,
is an investment banker, outgoing, a sportsman, who has always hinted at
his vigorous sex life with his wife, Kelly. Pat does not usually confide
about sex, but when I told him I was writing this article, he dropped
this bombshell: "You won't believe this, but we simply don't have sex
anymore. On holidays we do, but really only to convince each other. I
mean, we talk as if we had good sex. I guess we're happy, but it suddenly
occurred to me that a chunk of my life that used to be real important to
me is dead. Maybe it's the cost of being happy."
Kelly. "After about five years, we stopped doing it. Maybe we're
just not sexual people. Some people are, some people aren't; but I feel I
could be more. We go skiing in Vail every year and share a house with our
best friends. The walls there are paper thin and, as we he there, we can
hear them making love - real noisy, shouting and grunting. If we're at
home, Pat is as quiet as a mouse when we make love. Not a whisper. But
when we're in Vail, he grunts and screams which is great. I guess it
turns him on hearing them. Or else he's into the competition
thing."
The Fornication Express
The blonde does not look like a married woman. That is the first
rule of being married, being in your 30s, and living in the '90s: never
look married. Married is dull even if marriage is healthy. Linda, 35 (but
looks 28) is a tanned Californian visiting New York City.
Brad, 31, single, met her at an Irish bar with a group of friends
from work. He persuaded her to go dancing. At the end of the evening,
outside his apartment, they kissed on the stairwell.
Linda: "I haven't kissed anyone since I was married, two years ago.
We fooled around. I let him touch me because I figured that's okay.
That's not sex. Then I went home. But he made me promise to have tea with
him at home next day. I guess I shouldn't have gone."
Brad: "Why else would she agree to come unless she wanted to have
sex? The moment she arrived we started fooling around, and spent the
whole day in bed. We did everything but. She was very cute, and it was a
big turn-on that she belonged to another man, that it was illicit. She
really believed she had not been unfaithful."
Linda: "I really want the marriage to work, but we were having
financial problems and job problems and I just had to get away, so a
month in New York was good for me. Brad helped a lot. I don't know if the
marriage will last but, you know, I didn't give myself a hundred percent.
I mean, not really. So I didn't have to lie to my husband."
The story is typical of the infidelities of a thirtynothing couple
because it contains: a) a rocky marriage haunted by money worries, job
worries, and angst about aging; b) a transcontinental trip to think
things through that has become the staple of the '90s relationship (one
married woman told me rather proudly that she called the flight from L.A.
to New York "The Fornication Express"); c) condoms were not even
mentioned; and d) Linda denied the affair had really happened, while
shamelessly enjoying its benefits.
A Thousand Days of Desire
Barbet Schroeder, the film director, said that, even in marriage,
sexual attration only lasts a thousand days, but that love can last
forvever. Of course, the figure is absurd, but, whatever the life span of
desire, it often ends in the 30s. What happens when it ends?
Tags:
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