Do thirtynothings practice safe sex in "this day and age" - that
euphemism for the AIDS era that I discovered in my previous article on
sex amongst the twentysomethings? Since they are older and (supposedly)
more responsible, I expected to find that singles in their thirties
practice safer sex than any other group. While the twentysomethings are a
generation formed by fear, who feel deeply guilty when they do not use
condoms (which is often), the thirtynothings are even more oblivious to
the danger. The twentysomethings at least have the shame (if we can call
it that) to lie to their parents, lovers, and friends about condom use;
the thirtynothings apparently do not he at all.
"It's far too late to start that!" was the usual response from men,
as if safe sex was like a healthy diet. The women were even less aware of
it. Their general response was: "I hate those things. Besides, he was
younger. As if their lover's youth were some sort of shield. If their
boyfriend was divorced, the general comment was: "Look, Jim's fine. He's
been married for five of the last ten years!" If they are divorced
themselves, the women answer: "After what I've been through, don't expect
me to live in a nunnery."
The whole culture which came of adolescence in the '70s and '80s
was built around promiscuity, from James Bond to the Rolling Stones, from
Jack Kennedy to Warren Beatty. It is difficult to change in midstream,
and the thirtynothings were just getting a taste for the apple when it
rotted in their hands.
This attitude is partly the result of the fact that the safe-sex
campaign is aimed at teenagers and twentysomethings, presuming (wrongly,
as it turns out) that thirtynothings are more responsible and less
promiscuous. On the contrary, thirtynothings (single ones) told me that
they have far more sex now than they did as teenagers. Why?
I talked to Jane, 37, a consumer-affairs reporter in Chicago, who
divorced her husband, Ron, in 1992: "I guess we're more desperate. I
could kid you with stuff about women's later sexual peak - I know that's
true. But I think it's just because time is ticking and I've got to take
advantage of it while I've got it. I don't have one relationship at the
moment. I've done that and I'm having a great time, better than ever
before."
Jane's answer to the condom question? "I usually insist but the
guys never want to." Martin, 39, is a graphic designer in Miami who has
never been married, always has a girlfriend, and thinks it may be time to
get married ("I'd like kids"): "Look, I should probably use a condom, but
it's just too late now. I'm not even sure I could do it with a condom.
I'm stuck in a time warp - I was at Studio 54, I had a wild time in the
'80s and I figure, if I've got it, I've got it; and if I do have it, I
don't even want to know!"
Of course, the ones who are most afraid of AIDS and are fully aware
of the importance of safe sex are those who are least at risk - the
happily married couples who are faithful and sit tight in the warm castle
of marriage, which they imagine is surrounded by all manner of threats,
seducers, and deadly diseases. Josh, 36, an investment banker, cuddles
his pregnant wife and shivers as he looks back at his single days: "I'm
so glad I'm married and safe. I was scared of getting AIDS when I was
single because I enjoyed the scene, the bars. One thing terrified me more
than anything - not the actual dying, but the thought of dying foolishly
from an unsatisfying, silly encounter with a woman whom I hated the next
morning."
Only the Good Look Young
Three traditions are increasingly extinct amongst the
thirtynothings: dating, foreplay, and the outdated need to marry in order
to have children. "I don't date," says Martin. "Everyone's so obsessed
with diet, weight, what health club you're a member of, whether you eat
red meat, and whether you've seen the latest TV show. Thirtynothings just
end up telling each other how young they are. It makes me sick."
Most of the single thirtynothings I interviewed had given up the
good old all-American date - that familiar tradition designed for two
people to investigate one another before going further. The date has died
of the "youth pantomime," which is the sad and comical result of the
Adonis cult and is practiced by many segments of our society; although
the thirtynothings appear to be its most avid experts.
Roberta: "So many women in their thirties have been so intimidated
by advertising that they are desperate to look and sound young. That's
why I gave up dates. What's the point of sitting there with one person
saying, 'I'm young,' and then the other one saying, 'I'm young, too.'
It's humiliating."
As for motherhood, Jennifer, 38, sums up her feelings: "What women
in their thirties need these days is a kid, not a man. I've had what you
might call an active love life since I was 15, and I still do. I know who
the father is, but I'm with a different guy now, so why should I parade
around his name as if I'm scared without it? I'd have given my right hand
to fall in love and marry a guy and have kids, but it didn't happen and
I'm almost 40 so I got pregnant. It's the best thing I ever did."
Tags:
1980s,
aging,
aging baby boomers,
dating,
dual process persuasion,
forties,
gender,
HPA pathway,
limbo,
limelight,
message framing,
non sequitur,
nudge,
reactions,
reruns,
saccadic,
sex,
sexes,
simon sebag montefiore,
special correspondent,
thirties,
thirtysomething,
trenches,
visual pleasure
