In sending out special correspondent Simon Sebag Montefiore to
researchand report on sex among the thirtysomething set, we realized
there existed a new non-sequitur in the language. The term
"thirtysomething" thanks to a moribund and not-quite-defunct TV show
(thanks to syndicated reruns) - continues to refer to those lovable,
suspender-wearing whiners of the 1980s.
What we needed to do was redefine the term: the
"not-thirtysomethings" or, as we refer to them, the "thirtynothings." We
don't mean that derogatorically. Rather, that since the focus has shifted
with the aging baby boomers, who are now fortysomething, those in their
early thirties suddenly find themselves out of the limelight to a certain
extent - caught, for the moment at least, in media limbo.
Nevertheless, they are alive and well and living in paradise
-enjoying an age of acquisition, feeling their oats and not shy about
sowing them.
-The Editors
When you begin reading this article, imagine you can hear a clock
ticking, like a time bomb. The decade from 30 to 40 years old is the
period when everyone is suddenly aware that time is passing faster and
faster. I spoke to many people in their thirties about their sexuality,
and I don't think there was a single person who did not mention
time.
Thirty is the age that dares not speak its name. If sex is a war
between male and female, power and trust, orgasm and death, commitment
and adventure, then today's early thirtynothings may be living in a kind
of no-man's land on the battlefield of sex: Teenagers are in the
trenches, twentysomethings are the cavalry, and people in their forties
and older are far behind the lines at headquarters. But the young
thirties are something of a forgotten race - unsure whether to return to
their lines, and with the cavalry, or simply wait for the war to
end.
Unfairly, the sexes are perceived very differently if they are
unmarried in their thirties: single men are envied as strutting
predatorial bachelors without the slightest pressure to get hitched,
while single women are simply "left-on-the-shelf" products whom everyone
tries to introduce to any single man they know.
In America, the country that invented feminism, there is an
"age-ism" -which is really sexism - that implies that real beauty rests
in teenage looks. (Ironically, in Europe, the traditional home of
chauvinism, there has always been a cult of the earthy, knowing, sensual,
and utterly attractive thirtynothing woman, which alters the way men and
women of that age are treated in real life.) But it turns out that -
despite the media images of youth as "Adonis culture" (hard waists; big
breasts and biceps), the risk of AIDS, the miseries of divorce, and the
fear of being "on the shelf" - today's thirtynothings, especially women,
are enjoying a concealed festival of sexuality. While the MTV culture
condemns them to grim silence (relegated to "soft-rock" radio stations
and VH1), the thirtynothings are having the time of their sexual lives.
My mission was to discover whether thirtynothing sex was different from
twentysomething sex. In addition, to answer these important questions:
Does marriage improve sex, end it, or lead to extramarital affairs? Has
AIDS affected the love life of the thirtynothings in the same way it has
the twentysomethings? Are the thirties the woman's decade? Do divorcees
in their thirties face celibate loneliness or the ultimate liberation?
For this I canvassed a random sampling of 30 to 40 people from around the
country, in different careers and from different backgrounds, married and
single, religious and not.
Roberta is an attractive pediatrician from Philadelphia, 34, who
loves her career, works very hard, possesses a bustling cheerful energy
that is as sexy as it is wholesome. She finished an eight-year
relationship with an older man two years ago and laughs when I ask if she
wishes she were married.
Roberta: "Not exactly. You want to know the truth about sex in the
thirties? It's the best. I dreaded the end with Eric. I mourned for
weeks. Of course I'd have married him. I was dying to get married. I
yearn to get married now. But I have my own career. I don't need a man in
the traditional way. But lately, I've been dating the most in-appropriate
guys. It's my right - guys without jobs, younger guys, even really dumb
guys with great bodies who were 21 years old. I mean I haven't had sex
like that since I was 21! It's difficult to suddenly go back to a nice
marriageable guy of my age after that. I guess folks in their thirties
just say: Let the games begin! And boy, they do!"
Scott, 37, a New York advertising executive who got married three
years ago, puts it another way: "I know what I like now. That makes the
sex you have in your thirties the best, whether you're married or not.
And women my age know what they like. That's sexy. It's as if there's no
hanging around anymore - they're less inhibited than at any other age.
But this goes for both sexes; we're all scared of time ticking, so why
beat around the bush? Sex now is the best. This is the icing on the
cake."
More Sex, Less Safe
Tags:
1980s,
aging,
aging baby boomers,
dating,
dual process persuasion,
forties,
gender,
HPA pathway,
limbo,
limelight,
message framing,
non sequitur,
nudge,
reactions,
reruns,
saccadic,
sex,
sexes,
simon sebag montefiore,
special correspondent,
thirties,
thirtysomething,
trenches,
visual pleasure
