Adult Sibling Rivalry

As Karen's father told her years later, he stepped in to fill the void left by her mother. He stepped in, that is, despite his wife's complaints that Karen had taken her husband away--and then only until the birth of his son. "I was dropped like a hot potato;' Karen said. Over the years, her sister, the "special" child, assumed an angry position of superiority. Her brother, the "prince," could do no wrong and made Karen's life miserable by teasing her incessantly. Her parents found the verbal abuse "humorous." Karen was left with neither parent favoring her or willing to take her side. "I never got praise for doing anything well, even though I was the best student and had loads of friends. And when I'd go to my parents because my sister had done some injustice, they gave me absolutely no support."

While the rivalry between Karen and her brother ceased for a time during early adulthood, Karen's relationship with her sister remained tense. "Being around my sister is like being around Mount St. Helens. You never know when the volcano is going to erupt." One eruption took place when Karen told her nephew that he'd have to drink his milk before he could have dessert. Her sister flew into a rage, even though she'd issued the same edict the night before.

"Don't you ever tell my kids what to do!" she screamed. "Only when there's danger are you to give them instructions." Karen was incredulous. Her sister stopped speaking to her for three months. "I've been trying forever to get my sister's love and approval, just like I tried to get my parents' love as a child," Karen said. "Forget it! I want to be around people who love and respect me."

Even when parents do their best at loving and respecting all of their children, the influence of siblings on one another can be enormous. Brothers and sisters spend more time together during childhood than with their parents, particularly today when nearly 60 percent of mothers with children under age 6, and 75 percent of mothers with children age 6 to 17, work outside the home. If the siblings are close in age and/or the same gender, the greater the potential for intense relationships.

Studies have shown that of the three sibling pairs, sister/sister pairs are the closest and brother/brother pairs are the most rivalrous. (Identical male twins tend to be the most competitive.) Sisters are the traditional kin keepers in our society and have a real commitment to keeping the relationship going. They are, according to sex-role expectations, more adept at expressing themselves on a personal level and in sharing their intimate feelings. Brothers, on the other hand, are more conflicted. Their childhood time together tends to be more competitive, and often that competition is carried into adulthood, exacerbated, it seems, by parental and societal expectations of men.

When I interviewed identical twins Mel and Marv three years ago, the then 27-year-olds detailed a childhood flail of fighting and nasty tricks. They fought over noises--the way one chewed--and over control of the TV set. "We got into some kind of physical battle every day until we were 12 or 13," said Mel. "We were out to hurt each other and wouldn't stop until one of us started to cry--usually me--or a parent threatened us. When our rage was triggered, nothing could stop us."

Both twins talked about being bothered by the other's noises and recalled the "nasty trick" Marv played on his brother when they were 14. "Mel was snoring, and I went to look at him lying in bed," Marv said. "His nose was plugged up and his mouth was open. So I stuffed his mouth, and he blew up like a balloon." The next night, Marv decided to "suffocate" his twin again, but Mel was waiting for him, pretending to be asleep. "I crept over to his bed," Marv said. "I started to stuff his mouth, but he started screaming at the top of his lungs. It was 2 a.m., and there I was hunched over him when my dad threw open the door and sentenced me to 30 days with no TV, much to Mel's delight."

Both Mel and Marv talked about their sensitivity to being compared (more from outsiders than from their parents) and how comparisons about who was the better athlete, the best looking, the better student triggered their competitive feelings toward one another. Girlfriends were a big issue, too. "It's still an insecurity with us," Marv said. "If you're with a woman, what does she think about him? .... It makes me jealous to think that someone I'm dating finds him physically attractive," Mel said.