Of all the problems with low self-esteem, this may be the worst:
people who have it create relationships that tend to perpetuate it. For
them, the need for positive feedback takes a sad second to the need for a
stable identity.
It's terrible but true, says William B. Swann, Jr., Ph.D.,
professor of psychology at the University of Texas. People with negating
self-views prefer people --seek them out--who also evaluate them
negatively. To the extent their spouses see them as they see themselves,
no matter how poorly, the more committed they are to marriage.
Negative evaluations bolster their belief that "they are in touch
with social reality, however harsh that reality may be." It allows them
to predict--and thus control--the responses of others. Should they find
themselves with spouses who appraise them favorably, they tend to
withdraw from the relationship.
Swann's studies show that for those with positive self-views, there
is no discrepancy between the need for positive feedback and the need for
self-verification. But if a partner rates us negatively, our commitment
to the relationship diminishes.
That's why those with negative self-concepts do so poorly in
psychotherapy. Aside from their 50-minute sessions, these people are
constantly among intimates who "nullify the encouraging words of the
therapist," Swann reports in one of a flurry of journal articles. What's
more, says Swann, some therapists frustrate people's desire for
self-verification by engaging in "I'm OK, you're OK" dialogue. That only
makes those with low self-esteem miserable by suggesting that they don't
even know themselves. In those cases, both the marriage and the therapist
can be real barriers to progress.
Among the most astonishing of Swann's findings is that people with
negative self-views never recognize their partner's disenchantment.
Obeying the rules of social decorum, their partners maintain "a facade of
kind words"--but leak their disdain in such nonverbal cues as tone of
voice.
So, to add injury to insult, those with negative self-views don't
have the skills to recognize the kind of feedback that would let them
know what they're doing wrong.
Tags:
belief that,
dialogue,
discrepancy,
disenchantment,
encouraging words,
extent,
feedback,
journal articles,
low self esteem,
minute sessions,
negative evaluations,
partn,
positive feedback,
relationship,
self concepts,
self-concept,
self-esteem,
social decorum,
social reality,
therapy,
university of texas,
william b swann,
william b swann jr
