Parents who had been in one of our couples groups maintained their
satisfaction with the division of household and family tasks. This trend
is particularly true for women. Since the actual role arrangement in the
group and nongroup participants were very similar, we can see that men's
and women's satisfactions with who does what is, at least in part, a
matter of perspective.
Some men and women are happy with traditional arrangements. Most of
the men in our study, however, wanted desperately to have a central role
in their child's life.
Is There Sex after Parenthood?
Most new parents feel some disenchantment in their marriage. It is
tempting to blame this on two related facts reported by every couple.
First, after having a baby, time becomes their most precious commodity.
Second, even if a couple can eke out a little time together, the effort
seems to require a major mobilization of forces. They feel none of the
spontaneity that kept their relationship alive when they were a
twosome.
We asked husbands and wives what they do to show their partners
that they care. It soon became clear that different things feel caring to
different people: bringing flowers or special surprises, being a good
listener, touching in certain ways, picking up the cleaning without being
asked.
New parents describe fewer examples of caring after having a baby
compared to before, but as we keep finding in each domain of family life,
men's and women's changes occur at different times. Between the babies'
six- and 18-month birthdays, wives and husbands report that the women are
doing fewer caring things for their husbands than the year before. In the
parents' natural preoccupation with caring for baby, they seem less able
to care for each other.
Both husbands and wives also report a negative change in their
sexual relationship after having a baby. The frequency of lovemaking
declines for almost all couples in the early months of parenthood.
There are both physical and psychological deterrents to pleasurable
sex for new parents.
Probably the greatest interference with what happens in the bedroom
comes from what happens between the partners outside the bedroom. Martin
and Sandi, for example, tell us that making love has become problematic
since Ellen's birth. To give an example of a recent disappointment,
Martin explains that he had had an extremely stressful day at work. Sandi
greeted him with a "tirade" about Ellen's fussy day, the plumber failing
to come, and the baby-sitter's latest illness. Dinnertime was tense, and
they spent the test of the evening in different rooms. When they got into
bed they watched TV for a few minutes, and then Martin reached out to
touch Sandi. She pulled away, feeling guilty that she was not ready to
make love.
Like so many couples, they were disregarding the tensions that had
been building up over the previous hours. They had never had a chance to
talk in anything like a collaborative or intimate way. This is the first
step of the common scenario for one or both partners to feel "not in the
mood."
Ninety-two percent of the men and women in our study who became
parents described more conflict after having their baby than before they
became parents. The division of workload in the family wins hands down as
the issue most likely to cause conflict in the first two years. Women
feel the impact of the transition more strongly during the first six
months after birth, and their husbands feel it more strongly in the
following year.
Why does satisfaction with marriage go down? It begins, we think,
with the issue of men's and women's roles. The new ideology of
egalitarian relationships between men and women has made some inroads on
the work front. Most couples, however, are not prepared for the strain of
creating more egalitarian relationships at home, and it is this strain
that leads men and women to feel more negatively about their partners and
the state of their marriage.
Men's increasing involvement in the preparation for the day of the
baby's birth leads both spouses to expect that he will be involved in
what follows--the ongoing daily care and rearing of the children. How
ironic that the recent widespread participation of fathers in the births
of their babies has become a source of new parents' disappointment when
the men do not stay involved in their babies' early care.
The transition to parenthood heightens the differences between men
and women, which leads to more conflict between them. This, in turn,
threaten the equilibrium of their marriage.
Needed: Couples Groups
Family making is a joint endeavor, not just during pregnancy, but
in the years to come. Men simply have little access to settings in which
they can share their experiences about intimate family matters. Given how
stressful family life is for so many couples, we feel it is important to
help them understand how their increasing differences during this
transition may be generating more distance between them. Most couples
must rebalance of the relationship.
Our results show that when sensitive group leaders help men and
women focus on what is happening to them as individuals and as a couple
during their transition to parenthood, it buffers them from turning their
strain into dissatisfaction with each other. Why intervene with couples
in groups? We find that a group setting provides the kind of support that
contemporary couples often lack.
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