Men's and women's sense of themselves as parents is certainly
expected to increase once they have had a baby. What comes as a surprise
is that other central aspects of the self are getting short shrift as
their parent piece of the pie expands. The greatest surprise--for us and
for the couples--is what gets squeezed as new parents' identities shift.
Women apportion 34 percent to the Partner or Lover aspect of themselves
in pregnancy, 22 percent at six months after the birth, and 21 percent
when their children are 18 months. Men's sense of themselves as Partner
or Lover also shows a decline--from 35 percent to 30 percent to 25
percent over the two-year transition period.
The size of the Partner piece of the pie is connected to how new
parents feel about themselves: A larger psychological investment in their
relationship seems to be good for both of them. Six months after the
birth of their first child, both men and women with larger Partner/Lover
pieces have higher self-esteem and less parenting stress. This could mean
that when parents resist the tendency to ignore their relationship as a
couple, they feel better about themselves and less stressed as parents.
Or that when they feel better about themselves they are more likely to
stay moderately involved in their relationship.
At our 18-month follow-up, Stephanie and Art talk about the
consequences for their marriage of trying to balance--within them and
between them--the pulls among the Parent, Worker, and Partner
aspects.
Stephanie: We're managing Linda really well. But with Art's
promotion from teacher to principal and my going back to work and feeling
guilty about being away from Linda, we don't get much time for us. I try
to make time for the two of us at home, but there's no point in making
time to be with somebody if he doesn't want to be with you. Sometimes
when we finally get everything done and Linda is asleep, I want to sit
down and talk, but Art says this is a perfect opportunity to get some
preparation done for one of his teachers' meetings. Or he starts to fix
one of Linda's toys--things that apparently are more important to him
than spending time with me.
Art: That does happen. But Stephanie's wrong when she says that
those things are more important to me than she is. The end of the day is
just not my best time to start a deep conversation. I keep asking her to
get a sitter so we can go out for a quiet dinner, but she always finds a
reason not to. It's like being turned down for a date week after
week.
Stephanie: Art, you know I'd love to go out with you. I just don't
think we can leave Linda so often.
Stephanie and Art are looking at the problem from their separate
vantage points. Art is very devoted to fatherhood, but is more
psychologically invested in his relationship with Stephanie than with
Linda. In his struggle to hold onto himself as Partner, he makes the
reasonable request that he and Stephanie spend some time alone so they
can nurture their relationship as a couple. Stephanie struggles with
other parts of her shifting sense of self. Although Art knows that
Stephanie spends a great deal of time with Linda when she gets home from
work, he does not understand that juggling her increasing involvement as
Mother while trying to maintain her investment as Worker is creating a
great deal of internal pressure for her. The Partner/Lover part of
Stephanie is getting squeezed not only by time demands but also by the
psychological reshuffling that is taking place inside her. Art knows only
that Stephanie is not responding to his needs, and to him her behavior
seems unreasonable, insensitive, and rejecting.
Stephanie knows that Art's view of himself has changed as he has
become a parent, but she is unaware of the fact that it has not changed
in the same way or to the same degree as hers. In fact, typical of the
men in our study, Art's psychological investment in their relationship as
couple has declined slightly since Linda was born, but his Worker
identity has not changed much. He is proud and pleased to be a father,
but these feelings are not crowding out his sense of himself as a
Partner/Lover. All Stephanie knows is that Art is repeatedly asking her
to go out to dinner and ignoring her inner turmoil. To her, his behavior
seems unreasonable, insensitive, and rejecting.
It might have been tempting to conclude that it is natural for
psychological involvement in one's identity as Partner or Lover to wane
over time--but the patterns of the childless couples refute that. The
internal changes in each of the new parents begin to have an impact on
their relationship as a couple. When women add Mother to their identity,
both Worker and Partner/Lover get squeezed. As some parts of identity
grow larger, there is less "room" for others. The challenge, then, is how
to allow Parent a central place in one's identity without abandoning or
neglecting Partner. We find that couples who manage to do this feel
better about themselves as individuals and as couples.
Who Does What?
How do new parents' internal shifts in identity, and their separate
timetables, play out in their marriage? We find that "who does what?"
issues are central not only in how husbands and wives feel about
themselves, but in how they feel about their marriage. Second, there are
alternations in the emotional fabric of the couple's relationship; how
caring and intimacy get expressed and how couples manage their conflict
and disagreement have a direct effect on their marital
satisfaction.
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