The image of men as continual and shameless seekers of sexual
gratification has worked its way into society's consciousness. The
trouble is, it's badly out of date. Among other problems, it doesn't
reflect the new dynamic at work in relationships.
In a touching twist on gender roles, it is increasingly the man,
not the woman, who is experiencing anxiety -- or alternatively apathy --
concerning sex, reports Janet Wolfe, Ph.D. She cites a survey by a major
women's magazine showing that nearly 40 percent of the time, the
complaint that one partner has sexually fizzled-out comes from the woman.
Wolfe's experience as a psychotherapist bears this figure out.
And so, Wolfe has done what any self-respecting shrink would do.
She has written a self-help book, What To Do When He Has a Headache
(Hyperion) -- not for ailing men, but for relationship-deprived
women.
Wolfe sees several causes of the role reversal:
o As women become more aware of their capacity for sexual
fullfillment, they are less inclined to accept a partner who remains
oblivious to their needs.
o Men, in turn, feel increased pressure to perform. They may
respond by avoiding sex altogether, rather than risk finding themselves
failures.
o To make matters worse, men report they are simply too exhausted
for sex after a long day's work of 10 to 12 hours. They are in the grip
of near-catatonia that barely gives them the stamina to sit and watch
TV.
o With the increase in performance anxiety, sex becomes another
job...another responsibility... another reason to be afraid.
How to get the guys back?
o Wolfe suggests that emotional honesty does not come easily to
most men, but both partners must cultivate it if physical honesty is to
have a shot.
o Men need to be reintroduced to nonsexual contact, such as
handholding, and made aware of just how pleasing and powerful it can
be--and how easy. And it just might act as a non-threatening invitation
to more full-bodied contact.
With lots of patience and some care, a littte more joy can be
returned to the bedroom...and the TV set safely returned to the
den.
Tags:
anxiety,
bedroom,
catatonia,
emotional honesty,
fullfillment,
gender role,
image of men,
Janet Wolfe,
performance anxiety,
role reversal,
seekers,
self help book,
sex,
sexual gratification
