"Business couples" breathe life into their projects together. They
find themselves struggling to make them survive. They grieve when they
fail. And they revel in the joy of what they've created in their intense
interaction. They may travel together closing deals, winning accolades,
recounting victorious days together. Good work is sexy!
Michelle and Kevin are intimates but not lovers. They are
experimental chemists in the new-products division of a pharmaceutical
company. They think and plan and dispute ideas together, then defend
their ideas in the corporate world with an intensity known only to people
who have shared insight. There is a magic between them that transcends
chemical formulas and careers, and each of them knows it.
Sometimes they look at each other after completing an important
thought in unison and, without words, communicate an appreciation for one
another that unknowing observers might misconstrue as love. Their lab
technique is a symphony of moves developed through countless hours of
teamwork--they know each other's professional souls, anticipate their
every move, and sometimes it looks and feels very personal. But it isn't,
and they know it. When work ends, Michelle is totally absorbed in a life
all her own with seldom a thought of her lab partner. In it she shares
loving intimacy with another partner who doesn't know a beaker from a
Petri dish, but knows her like no one else does, not even Kevin, who has
a fulfilling personal life of his own.
Satisfaction
We recently talked with Judy and Mark, two industrial trainers who
were among the earliest subjects in our investigation of non-loving
intimates. We asked them how their arrangement could be so special and
sustained and still not have eclipsed their romantic relationships--as
many who react to our model suggest it must.
"It's terribly unscientific," Mark began, "but anyone who has ever
been in love knows what it feels like--and the two of us have just never
felt that way about each other. Fascination, respect, some lust from time
to time, but never love."
"We care a lot for each other, and we appreciate each other as
colleagues, even find each other sexy," Judy added.
"Sexual chemistry was there at the beginning and still is, after a
fashion," explains Mark. "It made us special, and it still does. Things
can get complicated when animal attraction occasionally gets mixed in
with real caring, but it all amounts to something less than an
irresistible force for us."
"The thoughts of fulfilling an already satisfying relationship come
and go, but there's been no real pain in not acting on them. There has
been honest frustration sometimes, but when work ends and we part
company, neither longs for the other or gets jealous of the people we
each go home to."
"The special times have always come when we're putting everything
we've got into a project," notes Judy. Over time, the power of sexual
attraction is not diminished, but they gain more experience and skill in
handling it.
Company Benefits
What partners get out of non-loving intimacy is clear. Their
relationship is amazingly satisfying psychologically, and very workable.
They pursue their work with an abandon they never could afford if they
were lovers who had to get along both at work and at home. They do
genuinely inspired work together and honestly love it, their creative
energy flowing from a sexual attraction they've chosen not to indulge
physically or force into love. They have friends and family at home,
where they recharge themselves.
Companies also benefit. They get highly motivated workers who are
enthusiastic and happy. The relationship enhances creativity. And
partners are not deceiving anyone or stealing work time. They waste no
energy on feeling guilty.
Men and women bring differing and complementary orientations to
shared work. A tremendous amount of energy can flow from their sex-based
differences when they are allowed to keep their sexual identities, rather
than suppress them in conformance with the corporate ideal of a safe,
genderless workplace. Non-sexual intimates willingly spend time together
to achieve great results--and avoid behavior that would threaten the
relationship.
And so love is much as it's always been. Sexual, romantic love has
been and will be the many splendored thing, driven by a desire for fusion
and physical intimacy and achieving that blurring of boundaries that
takes place only in sex. But our model promises legitimacy for what many
men and women have felt but dared not admit or act on--the reality that
sexual chemistry can be safely shared with an associate and play a
constructive role in their lives.
It works because what has changed the workplace has crept onto the
domestic scene as well. The days of insecure spouses who waited at home
has passed, part of the revolution that has swept women into jobs in
large numbers. Simply put, peers understand peers. Newly equal husbands,
wives and lovers accept what they know from common experience--colleagues
may be sorely tempted to become lovers, but they will settle for being
more than friends. The trust that makes it all possible is, after all,
the only valid measure of romantic fidelity.
MYTHS OF ATTRACTION
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Sexual attraction,
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