Since 1983, we have been working together as management trainers.
As we traveled around the country, gathering experience with the problems
people were having, meeting workers of all kinds, we learned some things
about the new gender-mixed work force. Alicia and Don's experience is
becoming increasingly common. Women like Alicia tell us, "With Don, it
didn't happen overnight. We've spent enough time together to develop the
kind of trust and mutual respect that will let us talk about it. I know
how to say no, and he would never force himself on me. I trust him
completely, and there's no reason we can't enjoy an attraction that's fun
and energizing without ending up in bed."
And men like Don acknowledge that "part of me says it's all or
nothing when I have sexual feelings about a woman. But another part of me
says it's more complicated that that with someone like Alicia. Somehow it
has to be possible to play safely with sexy feelings, enjoy them, and
still not have to sleep together."
A New Sexual Etiquette
On the basis of our experience, we have developed a practical,
two-person model of sexual etiquette for those who wish to exploit the
energy of workplace attraction without physical sex or falling in love,
or avoiding each other altogether and pretending that the workplace is
genderless. At its heart is a consciously managed relationship founded on
mutual trust, respect, and acceptable boundaries that are openly agreed
on, communicated, and monitored by both parties. Unlike friends, these
partners share moments of great personal revelation. But unlike lovers,
they do not expect to share bodies and souls. They divulge only what they
choose to.
Natural human desire is something any two people should be able to
feel without guilt or awkwardness. Where we set our boundaries is what
distinguishes committed, romantic relationships from the near loving
feeling of those who come to know each other intimately through work.
These are the five keys to pulling off the new relationship:
o Setting boundaries. Our personal boundaries are the psychological
barriers that define us as individuals. You need a strong sense of your
own values and purpose to risk sharing them intimately with someone else,
even more so when you rely on your boundaries to permit tremendous
personal intimacy yet prevent its becoming physical. You and your partner
openly discuss and decide what is and is not off-limits.
You establish boundaries and expectations for the relationship
right at the outset, as a means for defining and consciously managing it.
You agree that you will not develop a personal life together and that
your relationship will not be allowed to become a love affair. Some
boundaries, notably the sexual one, are lines you agree never to cross;
they remain forever out of bounds. Similarly, neither physical contact
nor the language of lovers has a place in the relationship--they will
only send misunderstood signals.
Other boundaries may be set and changed as you grow safe and
comfortable in this new, unfamiliar relationship: defining the kinds of
situations in which you allow yourselves to be alone, discussing certain
facets of your personal lives, the giving and accepting of compliments,
allowing your partner to see you when you are not at your best, and
admitting the high value you place on the relationship without fear of
being misunderstood.
You will also have internal boundaries to contend with--very
personal ones you set and maintain without the knowledge of your partner.
These are the lines you draw for monitoring your own thoughts and
behavior; coping with near-love feelings is a personal matter each
partner handles in his/her own way.
Part of the contract between you is an agreement to respect each
other's privacy and individual identities. Situations may arise when you
feel you must reinforce a boundary; you can do it indirectly, by altering
the direction of a conversation, or directly, by discussing the unwelcome
inquiry openly, as part of the process of consciously managing your
relationship.
o Conscious management. There are no sure paths to ideal
relationships between mutually attracted men and women under any
circumstances. But without conscious management of this relationship,
personal attraction can lead to destructive consequences--from ruined
marriages to tainted professional reputations. Consciously managed, the
relationship becomes a series of purposeful, directed events, rather than
random ones that could drift into unplanned physical intimacy. You expect
to have differences that you will resolve openly, instead of dancing
around issues and leaving them open to ambiguity.
Through discussion, you create a voluntary contract in which you
both agree that you will divert your sexual energy from personal
attraction between you to the working relationship supporting it. You
agree that your attraction is a positive thing that makes your working
relationship exciting. You define ways to behave that will help you
maintain your mutual boundaries. You communicate honestly with each other
about your feelings and expectation. You make no attempt to hide the
relationship from your spouse or lover on the one hand, or your company
managers on the other, although you maintain discretion.
Tags:
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Sexual attraction,
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