The Shadow of Love
"I found myself sitting curled up in the bushes, following every
movement seen through the curtains in her lit-up window. I knew her
boyfriend was there, and the knowledge caused me excruciating pain. It
was a cold winter night, and once in a while it would drizzle. I said to
myself: "I know I am a sane, well-adjusted, responsible adult. What in
the world is happening to me? Have I totally lost my mind?" And yet, I
continued sitting in those bushes for hours. I didn't leave until the
light in the window was gone. A force larger than myself held me
hypnotized to the light and to her. I have never in my life felt so close
to madness."
"Although I knew that our relationship was over, I still had very
strong feeling towards him. Then, one day, I saw him at the corner store
we used to shop at when we lived together. He was with this
bleached-blond chick--the kind who spends hours choosing her outfit,
perfectly applies her heavy makeup, sprays every hair on her head in just
the right place. I knew that I looked like a bag lady; my nose was red
from a cold, my hair was unwashed and greasy. I think I simply went mad.
I went up to him, kicked him in the groin, snapped the hat he was holding
in his hand and ran outside. I went to his car--which for some reason he
left unlocked--and started crying uncontrollably. I've never cried like
that in my life. I felt I was going out of my mind."
Both people in these paragraphs are describing powerful experiences
that have several things in common. They are extreme and unusual, involve
loss of control, and result in a sense of going mad--three prominent
features of romantic jealousy.
Most people describe jealousy as an extremely painful, "crazy"
feeling. A woman who participated in one of my workshops said that
jealousy was the most painful thing she had ever experienced: "I tried
everything in an attempt to gain some control over it, but nothing works.
I don't think I can live with this pain much longer." Even when people
who experience extreme jealousy have enough self control not to resort to
actual acts of violence, they often fantasize about it. A woman whose
estranged husband started dating her best friend said: "I have daydreams
in which I go into her apartment with a sledgehammer and start destroying
things-- furniture, records, windows. I can virtually hear the glass
breaking. These fantasies have a way of calming me down, even if I know I
will never carry them out."
For most of us, even if jealousy produces tremendous pain and
distress, it remains an inner experience that does not cross the boundary
into violent action. But anyone who has experienced intense jealousy is
well aware of its power and potential destructiveness.
Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat--real or imagined--to
a valued relationship or to its quality. A nationwide survey of marriage
counselors indicates that jealousy is a problem in one third of all
couples coming for marital therapy. This helps explain our fascination
with stories about the wild things some people are driven to do. One
middle-aged wife whose husband left her for a younger woman kidnapped her
rival at gunpoint, shaved her head, stripped her naked, covered her with
tar and feathers, and released her at the city dump. The story was
repeated over and over again--with great delight--by women who identified
with the revenge of the deposed wife. Is jealousy a form of madness,
then?
Jealousy lies somewhere in the gray area between sanity and
madness. Some jealous reactions are so natural that a person who doesn't
show them seems in some way "not normal." Others seem so excessive that
one doesn't need to be an expert to know that they are pathological. A
classic example is the man who is suspicious of his loving and faithful
wife that he constantly spies on her, listens in on her phone
conversations, records the mileage in her car for unexplained trips--and
despite her repeatedly proven fidelity continues to suspect her and
suffer from tremendous jealousy.
It is important to differentiate "normal" from "delusional"
jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the
relationship; delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of any
real or even probable threat.
The good news is this: By recognizing the signs of romantic
jealousy, by realizing what feelings are normal and abnormal, and by
examining the roots of our jealous feelings, we can effectively learn to
cope with it by changing our behavior. Believe it or not, like other
difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth,
increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner
and your relationship.
Whatever it is that draws two lovers to each other will create the
character of the jealousy they may experience. Let me demonstrate this
statement by an exercise. Think back to the time you first met or got to
know your mate and try to recall as best you can the way you felt. What
was it that most attracted you? What was it that made you think (right
away, or at some point later) that this was the person with whom you
wanted to share your life? What was the most important thing the
relationship gave you? A feeling of security? Of being respected and
listened to? Of being desired or adored?
Now switch back to the present and consider the primary component
of your jealousy--the most painful thoughts and feelings associated with
your jealousy or that of your mate. Is it a fear of being abandoned?
Humiliation and loss of face? Loss of self-esteem?
