Matthew: Yeah, and he
walked in and I hit him, I forget where, I hit him and he grabbed me and
I think we were fighting, (Matthew clenches his fists and works them back
and forth to indicate a fight.) And he threw me in seclusion and it's
just that I think some of this problem is 50-50, you know, part violent
seizures, and they [the attendants] just ... just (a long pause).
Visitor: They don't know what to do?
Matthew: They don't know if it's a seizure or if like once when I
was on [ward] 3, I just want my way. Wanting your way, what I mean by
that is, on 3, here I am, and I was mad and when I get mad, first I'm
mad, then I'm madder, then madder and madder and so forth. What happened was, they said, "Matt, how long would you like to
be in your room?" [I guess all the] seclusion rooms were taken or
something, I'm not sure. So they put me in my room and I was lying down
like this (he leans over in the chair onto his side) and suddenly I went
into a seizure like that (he snaps his fingers) and with no ringing in
the ear or anything.
Visitor: Sometimes you have a warning and can remember and
sometimes you can't.
Matthew: Yes ma'am. And what happened was I was lying on my bed and
I guess I got scared or something else bad and I grabbed the pillow and
put it over my face and I started to scream and after that, well, I
forgot what happened but nothing positive. I went to a screened window in
the room and I was banging on that, and screaming, not from the seizure
but just screaming and a lady walked in and said, "Matthew, if you don't
stop it I'll take your cigarettes away from you." And so I'm in this
seizure.
Matthew's father: No, you said you were not in the seizure. That
you are finished with the seizure. Did this happen after the seizure? Can
you tell when the seizure is over? That's what you told us before. Your
mind is fuzzy and you don't always know what's going on.
Matthew's mother: Can you feel when it's over?
Matthew: Sometimes I can. Sometimes I'm not really conscious. This
one I'm talking about was one where I was still in seizure. I will say
that when I went to the [screened-in] window, I was banging with my hand,
and banged on the two beds and what happened is that I had a feeling like
one time that I was looking through this window on 3 and so I (long
pause) ... I couldn't control what I was doing, but my mind was telling
me what to do. Like I -- if I was in seizure now I'd look at this wall (he
points to a wall next to us) and say let's do that and I would go to the
wall and kick it or whatever and that's what it was like at the screened
window and I saw that and I thought of things.
Visitor: What things?
Matthew: (Glancing quickly at his parents.) My mother and father
know about this. About God. What it is is that I had a feeling that this
happened before, that I did that before and, well, what it was then was
there was this other window and this man would always tell me to look out
the window. He said, "Matt, look what's out there," and I'd say "what,
what," and once he said to me, "Matt look out there, look at that," and I
said, "No, no I'm not going to look out there because it will happen
again."
Visitor: What happened then that you did not want to happen
again?
Matthew: I'm not about for that to happen again. What it was, I had
this feeling that the person said to me, "You'll see out the window,
you'll see what happens when you die." And so I, um, I just had the
feeling I was supposed to do this and do that and I was in the seizure
but for some reason I, well, like what I said about the wall.
Matthew's mother: Is this the thing where you believed God was out
there, out of heaven, and it was your fault that God wasn't in heaven
anymore and that's why so many terrible things were happening to you and
everyone else and --
Matthew: Yes. Also, I had a feeling I was supposed to bang the
window and beds and I was there and I hit the window and [a] male staff [member] was called and he said, "Matt, calm down now," and they put me in bed and next thing I
knew, they shut the door and took my clothes off.
Visitor: If you could leave here, what would you like to do?
Matthew: You mean a job?
Visitor: Anything.
Matthew: I would like to go home with my parents and see my
sisters-in-law, my brothers, and my neighbors. And my grandmother.
Whenever I get to two months without acting out, I act out or get a bad
seizure and then I have to start over and I can't go home. But I like the
things my father and I used to do. We went to [a] park and walked around
a lot. I'd like to live in a group with other people, and the Epilepsy
Foundation has places and that's where I'd like to go after I'm out of
here, yes ma'am.
Matthew's father: After he got encephalitis, everything left.
Matthew didn't remember knowing how to count, or say the alphabet, or
even how to walk for a long time. Now he can do some things. Matt, you're
a survivor. Don't forget that.
Matthew's mother: What mommy says. Say it. You don't belong
here.
Matthew: I will get out if I can stay calm, cool, and collected.
(Lots of laughter.)
The hour is over. Matthew shakes hands. The guard asks another to
escort the visitors out so he can take Matthew back to his ward. Matthew
is smiling in the hall. He extends his arms out wide and says something
to the visitor in Polish. His father translates: "He says he loves you,
and will you marry him?"
* * * *
Tags:
bad reputation,
belief,
brain surgery,
dilemma,
horizon,
human brain,
human subjects,
lobotomy,
mental illness,
nam,
neurology,
philosophers,
pretension,
psychiatric disorders,
psychosurgery,
record keeping,
safeguards,
scientists,
strict regulations,
successes,
surgery,
worth the risk,
wretched excess
