Talking to Kids About Job Loss:The 10 Most Important Steps
Eight-year-old Amanda sensed something was wrong the second her dad
came home from work. He looked different--very sad, she thought--and when
he didn't reach down to give her a big hug, she grew anxious. Later on,
she overheard him tell her mother that his department--and his job--had
been eliminated. Her mother started to cry. Worried and confused, Amanda
came into the kitchen and asked what was going on; her parents told her
that Daddy had been fired and didn't have a job anymore. The girl wasn't
sure why losing a job was so bad, but it scared her to see her mom and
dad so upset. Lying in bed that night, she remembered something her
mother had told her--that the people they had seen sleeping on the
sidewalks one day were there because they'd lost their jobs. "Daddy got
fired," Amanda repeated tearfully to her mom when she came to tuck her
in. "Are we going to have to sleep outside in the cold?"
The economic and emotional turmoil of job loss is not easy to
explain to a young child. Some children may not yet fully understand what
having a job means. To a child of two, three, or even four, "Mommy has a
job" simply means that mother goes away for many hours and someone else
takes care of him or her during that time. Thus, the concept of job loss
makes little sense.
In fact, when a parent loses her job, a very young child may be
quite happy. "If Mommy doesn't have to go to work anymore," the child may
think, "she'll have more time to spend with me."
Older children who understand that parents go to work to earn money
to support the family may begin to grasp some of the repercussions of job
loss, even though their thoughts may not be completely rational. Amanda,
for example, jumped to the conclusion that she would become homeless.
Another child might worry that his parents will no longer be able to
afford to send him to summer camp. Still another might insist on getting
a job to help his parents recoup some income.
But what usually disturbs kids most about parental job loss is
sensing--or witnessing--their parent's emotional devastation. Children
rely on their parents for stability and security; when a parent becomes
very upset, it can threaten the safety of the child's world. Thus, when a
parent gets fired or laid off, the emotional shock waves ripple through
the entire family.
As with all crises, job loss can be handled with a minimum of
stress on you and your child. And the experience can serve to teach a
child a wonderful lesson: While life's path doesn't always run smoothly,
the family is loving and strong enough to negotiate the bumpiest of
roads.
1. Level with your child. You're making a big mistake if you try to
hide your job loss from your child. Kids count on their parents for the
truth and can sense when something's bothering them. A child may conjure
up some far worse scenario than job loss if you don't level with him or
her from the start.
But being truthful doesn't mean going into all the gory details,
particularly if your child is very young. A four- or five-year-old need
only be told something like "Daddy lost his job today so he's not going
to be working at his office for factory or hospital for a while. But he's
going to be looking for a new job and then he'll have a new place to go
to work."
A seven- or eight-year-old who understands a bit more about what
having a job means may be told, "Daddy lost his job yesterday. He's a
little sad because he liked his work and he liked earning money. But he's
going to be looking for a new job and he'll probably find something even
better. In the meantime, things will go on pretty much the same. You'll
go to school and play with your friends and do all the things you usually
do."
You might explain to a 10- or 11-year-old that "Daddy lost his job
yesterday. He's a little disappointed because he liked his work and he
liked earning money so that he could buy us lots of nice things. Dad will
find a new job, but in the meantime, things will go on pretty much as
usual. We are going to have to be a little more careful about how we
spend our money for a while--maybe instead of going to the movies this
weekend, we'll rent a special video instead--but otherwise, things will
stay pretty much the same."
(You should decide what you're going to say in advance. Chances are
you're in a shaky emotional state fight now and perhaps not thinking as
clearly as usual, so it's best not to speak entirely off the
cuff.)
2. Don't create a false sense of reality. In an effort to shield
children from the emotional and economic stress of job loss, some parents
shower their kids with new toys and treats during this time. But that
only creates a false sense of reality that can confuse young kids. The
children can see that Mom and Dad are upset about money, so they wonder,
"Why are they still buying us presents?" They begin questioning their own
ability to understand reality and their parents' truthfulness. Creating
such a contradictory situation also sends the message that it's fine to
pretend things are okay when they're not. To avoid failing into this
trap, parents need to remember that kids are better served when they are
made aware of a family crisis and encouraged to participate, in an
age-appropriate way, in dealing with it.
Tags:
amanda,
big hug,
children,
communication,
conclusion,
emotional turmoil,
family,
job loss,
losing a job,
lying in bed,
mom and dad,
mommy,
repercussions,
sidewalks,
unemployment
