The Reinvention of Marriage

Relationships follow a predictable path through time. Here's the research that can save your marriage—before it starts.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on January 01, 1992 - last reviewed on September 08, 2006

Reactions to conflict should be the first line of attack in marital therapy, Markman suggests. But not just any negotiating skills will do. The arguing skills must be learned in the context of the relationship. "Some elements of conflict are relationship-specific," he says. "Marriage has a unique ability to tap into emotional issues from the families of origin."

Men and women handle conflict in radically different ways that subvert the relationship. Men flee, women fight; and they stay stuck in this pattern. Some researchers now believe that men simply have more difficulty than women in handling conflict—a result of early experiences, gender stereotyping, and especially, physiology.

Men feel pain differently, according to John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle. His credo is that direct measurements of physiologic response to interaction give a far more reliable picture of what couples are experiencing than merely asking them. His data show that men get more physiologically aroused—their hearts beat faster, they sweat more, and they move more—during marital conflicts, or even just anticipating them.

These signs are so unpleasant that, faced with relationship conflict, men withdraw altogether, a response Gottman calls "stonewalling"—in which the listener presents a stone wall to the speaker. They don't move the face much, avoid eye contact, hold the neck rigid, and fail to give the usual listener responses. When a husband stonewalls, communication ends and marital satisfaction plummets. At first he physiologically withdraws; later, he withdraws emotionally. He becomes overwhelmed by his wife's emotions and avoids any conflict with her. She responds by trying to re-engage him—advancing as he withdraws, setting up an escalating pattern of anger and frustration. Miserable as it is, if couples stay in this pattern, there's some hope. But if the wife counter-defends herself by withdrawing, then essentially the couple is leading separate, parallel lives—heading down two tracks that never intersect. Men pay a high price for their escapist behavior: It precludes any hope for intimacy.

Accentuating the positive

While learning better methods of conflict management may be necessary for happiness, it is not sufficient to ensure it. There's more to a good marriage, and that, every study shows, is a whole lot of "positive affect"—the expression of affection that keeps the couple at a high level of satisfaction. "Marital conflict by itself is not destructive for a marriage if it also includes positive affects such as humor, positive problem-solving, agreement, assent, empathy, and active non-defensive listening," Gottman found in his studies.

In Kaslow's Florida study, couples married 25 years or more were asked to cite the factors they believed contributed to the longevity of their marriage. Forty percent of the satisfied couples stated that they "have fun" together and treasure it. What's more, both partners agreed it was an element in their satisfaction. Among the couples only mildly satisfied or unsatisfied, fun, humor and playfulness were not even part of the picture. "A great deal of expressed affection" was high on the list of essential ingredients for a good marriage.

"All the positive stuff has to be there," says Markman of his own study findings. "Attraction. Love. These create a commitment to work at marriage."

At the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, where a six year study of 373 new couples was in it's fourth year, the picture on positiveness is clearly outlined by Elizabeth M. Douvan, professor of psychology and research scientist at the Institute for Social Research. She found that "affective affirmation"—the communication of loving attitudes—is "by far the strongest predictor" of marital quality.

Affective affirmation of the self—unconditional approval from one's mate-through nonverbal exchange is so powerful in marriage, Douvan finds, that it brings about a remarkable transformation, what her team calls "accommodation." Each person winds up moving toward the spouse's innermost ideal of a partner. "If he is accepted for the way he is," says Douvan, "he winds up doing things her way. And she moves toward his way."

From the collective efforts of researchers, there is a model of marriage evolving that sees the relationship as a dynamic process of constructing a shared reality. Conflict is a major arena for marital communication and relationship negotiation. Styles of conflict are all-important, and good styles can be learned—the earlier the better. The points where people fail can now be mapped, and clinical researchers are pinpointing where and how help is needed. As Denver's Howard Markman puts it: "I'm optimistic about the future of marriage."