The Reinvention of Marriage

In a study of 20 marriages lasting 25 years or more, she identified what distinguishes those couples most satisfied with their relationship. The major factor contributing to satisfaction in all couples was joint problem-solving ability—mentioned by 70 percent of both highly satisfied and mildly satisfied couples, and only 33 percent of the unsatisfied. Indeed, it turns up in virtually every longitudinal study of marriage. For Kovacs, it is what enables couples to navigate the passages of relationships. Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, calls it constructive arguing. He finds it is the single biggest predictor of marital success over time.

For the past decade he has been studying 150 couples at yearly intervals (starting before marriage) to identify those factors most responsible for marital success. Couples go through a complete interview, a set of questionnaires, and a talk with each other about the major issues in their lives. The session is videotaped to later observe how couples actually respond and communicate.

"The quality of the couple's communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success," Markman said in a report to the National Institutes of Mental Health. He calls financial and sexual problems "red herrings"—wrongly blamed for breakups and dissatisfaction. "Many people believe that the causes of marital problems are the differences between people and problem areas such as money, sex, children. However, our findings indicate it is not the differences that are important, but how these differences and problems are handled, particularly early in marriage."

The Art of Arguing

Couples who are able to successfully resolve problems when they develop have the best chance to go on to a successful marriage. Markman's results indicate that "problems early in marriage worsen over time rather than get better as many couples expect. Rather than viewing differences and conflicts as a sign of incompatibility, couples need to see them as opportunities for developing skills that they can use for the rest of their relationship."

Trouble is, says Markman, couples have no opportunity to learn the necessary communication and problem-solving skills. The few who do were lucky enough to grow up among parents who had them. And while the skills can be learned, he says it is urgent for couples to learn them before problems develop. "We have found that couples are more motivated to work on issues when things are going well than when things are terrible." Besides, most couples early in a relationship form patterns of response that, like shells, harden around them—anger, resentment, depression—and are difficult to change.

So he has developed the five-session Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) to teach problem-solving skills to about-to-be-married couples. "We teach them the rules and the boundaries for creating constructive conflict." The latest results show that those who learn constructive arguing before marriage have half the divorce rate of those without such training. There are also lower levels of negative communication and two to three times less physical violence. These couples aren't just sticking it out, their satisfaction remains consistently higher than that of the control group as they march through the child-rearing years—a time other studies have shown to markedly reduce marital satisfaction.

Markman started offering his constructive-arguing program in the Denver area. He found that not only does the love life of couples improve, there are positive effects on the children, on their self-esteem and social development. "PREP gives kids the ability to manage conflict in relationships, and in themselves. The major point is that relationship discord is a significant risk factor for many forms of psychopathology in adults and children," he says. "Many problems brought to individual psychotherapy are really relationship problems" rather than intrapsychic ones. "First and foremost is depression among women. Our studies show a co-variation of depression and marital problems." The link is the buildup of negative affect.

Managing Conflict

As Markman's studies progress, he is focusing more on the dark side of marriage. "People too often look only at the positive side. But what is central to the marital relationship is the ability to manage negative emotions. Thirty to fifty percent of couples are mutually abusive—now that's a sign of poor conflict management. Abuse erupts from the frustration of not being able to manage negative feelings."