Many of my patients resist this notion. They prefer to cast
themselves either as pawns of fate, abdicating responsibility, or as
masters of their own destinies, giving themselves too much
responsibility. Both views tend to work against internal success. When
the fatalist achieves, he can take little pride or satisfaction in his
success. When the self-willed person fails, he may become so mired in
irrational guilt and self-condemnation that he cannot see the real
problems before him.
We all know people who seem to have incredibly good luck, and
others who trip over every curb of life. We also know that some who are
born with enormous advantages squander them, while others who start with
almost insurmountable hardships become heroes for us all. The distinction
between success and failure lies less in luck than in our ability to
utilize positive opportunities and shift direction when obstacles are
genuinely beyond our control.
8. Absolute consistency vs. flexibility Does the prospect of change
make you uncomfortable?
Do you defend your decisions even when you know you're
wrong?
How do you see yourself 20 years from now?
DO YOU THINK THAT SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE are always fight, always in
control, and always know exactly where they're going? These are dangerous
illusions, because they imply that success demands a degree of certainty
that no one can sustain.
The notion of success as an absolute tends to frighten off those
who recognize their own insecurity or confusion. "If I can't envision
myself as a corporate president or CEO," one patient, told me, "I have no
business becoming a manager." When I asked her why not, she replied, "If
I'm going to succeed in any profession, I've got to be completely sure of
my target and have a clear, fail-safe strategy for achieving it. Unless I
have it all together, I won't be able to stand up against the
competition." Though she didn't realize it, this patient was using a
common avoidance tactic that promised to keep her from ever realizing her
dreams. By setting impossible standards, particularly the standards of
absolute self-knowledge and consistency, she was keeping herself in a
comfortable holding pattern, waiting as if for spiritual enlightenment to
reveal her own perfect troth.
The illusion of absolute consistency is also responsible for many
mid-career casualties. For example, the artist who has pursued a single,
cohesive theme for many years becomes attracted to different artistic
forms and issues, but cannot bring himself to pursue them because the
change would threaten his professional identity and puzzle his buyers and
critics. Or the executive who is known for her methodical research and
analytic thinking suddenly has an inspired marketing idea that cannot be
substantiated by data; her intuition tells her she is right, but she is
unwilling to trust her feeling. When consistency takes priority over
inspiration and necessity, it can lead to stagnation.
In fact, it's wise to question yourself all the time, challenging
what you think you know and asking what you need to learn. When faced
with tough decisions, accept that there may be several right answers-or
none--and base your choices on issues and evidence as well as your
convictions. This approach requires a certain amount of flexibility
because, while your beliefs may never waver, the circumstances
surrounding each decision are shifting. There is no perfect recipe for
success; the moment you think there is, you'll find the ingredients have
changed.
Dr. Stan J. Katz is a clinical and forensic psychologist practicing
in Beverly Hills, California. In addition to running a private practice,
he is clinical director of the Maple Center, a community mental-health
center. He has lectured at many universities and served as a member of
the Los Angeles Superior Court expert panel. He and Ms. Liu recently
published their third book together, The Codependency Conspiracy (Warner
Books)
Aimee E. Liu has coauthored six books on health subjects, and
authored Solitaire, detailing her bout with anorexia nervosa.
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