"LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE"--THE underlying model of the "me"
generation of baby boomers--is one reason adults are experiencing record
rates of divorce, depression, and suicide. What began as a celebration of
individuality has turned into a generational trend toward emotional
isolation. Self-assertiveness has been confused with selfishness.
Achievement has been confused with dominance. In this context,
independence does not engender a positive feeling of success. It
engenders anxiety, mistrust, alienation, and guilt--the emotional
benchmarks of failure.
This fiercely defensive brand of independence even has a negative
impact on career advancement, as one of my patients found out the hard
way. An associate producer for a television news program, she became
enraged when a less qualified producer was placed above her. Instead of
approaching the producer directly, she confronted the show's executive
producer with work samples that, she thought, would prove she deserved to
have the job. To her face the executive producer was polite, but he said
that this was a bureaucratic appointment and his hands were tied; perhaps
she could work with the producer to help him get up to speed? The
associate producer, bent on advancing her own career, could barely stand
to speak to her competitor, much less help him. Yet she soon realized how
much her selfishness was costing her when colleagues began to overlook
her. Had she helped the struggling producer, she would have proved
herself a team player and earned the entire staff's respect. Instead, by
treating her career as an independent venture instead of an
interdependent process, she found herself suddenly locked out of the team
and any immediate chance of advancement.
Most of us realize the greatest benefits of interdependence through
family and other close personal relationships, The stability, constancy,
and love in these relationships can provide the vital support we need to
weather the lumps of everyday life. In a world where individuals are
categorized by their occupation and superficial appearance--and valued
accordingly--these intimate attachments provide a deeper, more meaningful
sense of belonging. Our families and friends cherish us not just for what
we do or how we look but for who we are and what we feel, for our
uniqueness. We're responsible to them, and they to us. The resulting
sense of connectedness is what makes us feel personally important and
secure.
4. Manipulation vs. honesty Are you willing to defend your beliefs
publicly?
Do you try to outmaneuver people who get in your way?
Do you try to make others think you agree with them even when you
don't?
SOME YEARS AGO, MICHAEL KORDA MADE the best-seller list with two
books, Power! and Success!, both of which offered readers a host of
tactical power plays designed to give them more clout in the office. His
suggestions included the positioning of one's desk, the location of one's
office, manipulative use of the telephone, as well as the personal
grooming guidelines that are now remembered as "dressing for
success."
Yet behind all the clever how-tos, the real message of these books
was this: In order to succeed in your' career, you've got to manipulate
others into feeling inferior to you while at the same time convincing
them that you're invaluable. In short, anyone who prefers to concentrate
on the work at hand rather than the position of buttons on a sleeve or
the color of a briefcase might as well forget about making it to the
top.
This message has been echoed in scores of subsequent instructional
guides, creating the widespread impression that legitimacy and honesty
are detrimental to professional success. Two facts contradict this
illusion. Number one, most people who achieve bona fide professional
success--whether in business, politics, science, or the arts--are too
busy with the substance of their work to pay much attention to the
trivial details that consume most manipulators. Can you imagine Pablo
Picasso trying to impress art collectors by positioning his easel in the
power comer of his studio?
The second argument against manipulation is that it breeds mistrust
and resentment. Those who wangle their way into positions of authority
rarely have the support of those around them and frequently must contend
with open hostility from the ranks. Sometimes these impasses lead to coup
attempts and sometimes to lingering alienation. Unless they are able to
display genuine leadership ability, the manipulators usually experience
professional and emotional defeat.
When you deal with the world honestly, you treat the people around
you not as pawns but as partners. This involves much more than simply
telling the truth. It means that you look at all sides of a situation
before drawing up your game plan. It means being evenhanded: criticizing
yourself but also defending your own rights; criticizing others but also
defending their rights.
Acting honestly means that you invest your personal values in
everything you do instead of simply conforming to expected patterns of
behavior. In all these ways, you let others know that you have respect
for yourself and for them. And with it you earn their respect.
5. Perfection vs. growth
Do you have to be the best to feel good about yourself?
Do you try to conceal and forget your mistakes?
Do you consider your work drudgery or play?
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